Would You Let This Man Teach?

I finally understand WWU's problem with this ogre... Anyone who misunderstands the social norm that the word "Cheeeese" is meant to provoke shouldn't be allowed anywhere near impressionable young people on Cheerleading Scholarships.

Washington's Shame = New York's Pride

A smallish, non-fictional town in northern New York State names itself in honor of our stalwart, hearty, hard-hearted, hearth-warming scholar of the evermore, in an attempt to right a few wrongs and bring the ephemeral, but well-intentioned powers of geography to the surer side of goodness and light:

Coordinates of Perry Mills, New York, USA:
Longitude: 73° 30' 22" West
Latitude: 45° 0' 1" North
Perry Mills can be found 34 miles [54 km] to the south of Montréal (QC).

Yes, friends, supporters, and corporate sponsors: there is, indeed, a town in the state of New York known as Perry Mills. Don't believe me? Googlemap it! Try to book a Greyhound ticket from YOUR own unbelievable home station to this hotspot of intellectual curiosity and aesthetic confrontation!

Well, it's unfindable through Greyhound, this much is true, sadly, but--LO!--there has nary been a destination of note that HAS been easily accessed by said odiferous omnibus corp...

Check this chyme out before it passes through the pyloric valve of our plastic way of life:

From a sublisting of the subsection of Wikipedia's entry on the Champlain subregion of New York, sandwiched delicately between notations on Kings Bay Wildlife Management Area and Point a Fer:

Perry Mills -- A hamlet in the northwest part of the town on the Chazy River.

Looking for affordable accommodations to enhance your stay in Perry Mills, NY? Use the INTERNET!

For attractions, please contact the Champlain, NY, Chamber of Commerce and tell Gussie or Mindy-Vespa that you really are looking to find things to do in Perry Mills and that--NO--that wasn't a typo!

Still have no idea what to do in or about Perry Mills, NY? Then rejoice! This is the exact position our Professor, for whom this mythical but still very real town was named, finds himself every day of his frustrated existence as he faces a dwindling bevy of reasons to continue fighting. But oh--sooth!--isn't the FIGHT ITSELF worth the effort? Yes! If you're 12 and believe Iron Man will come to your tent and deliver a magic lantern that will cure your acne and allow locomotives to start by the snap of fingers! Fight! Fight! Fight!

"From across the land they send their teams of great renown,
But on the field of battle they are trampled into the ground,
Pull the Golden Bear,
From his mighty lair,
And we'll drag his carcass with us to the Northland."

So, speed on to Perry Mills and live a moment's weight of stultified usefulness. You're almost there! You have the map, you have the ennui, now all you need is the postcard to commemorate the trip! Just remember: wishing someone else was here doesn't mean "here" will get any better without them, or any worse with their absence! So bring a friend, make a friend, leave a friend, take a friend--but GO! GO and spit in the town well to say:

"I'm a Mills Man, I Sally Forth!"

In memorium: "February 11th, 2008" (another day of unlearning for the ghost-horde of students untaught by non-Professor Perry F. Mills--a drop in the bucket of hope-gapped-eternal...)

Disembodied Voices Continue to Find their Way Home

A letter from another alum, full of unsought, but unsurprising, shame and loathing:

Question Mills decision

Dear Editor,

In regard to Paul deArmond's article about Judge Mura's ruling in favor of WWU's actions in the case of Perry Mills (in the WI issue of Nov. 29, 2007):

Firstly, embezzlement is very clearly defined (citing the Oxford dictionary): "embezzle | em-bez-l | verb [trans.] steal or misappropriate (money placed in one's trust or belonging to the organization for which one works)." There is no stipulation for falsifying records in this (or any) definition. Where is the call for legal subjectivity in this case? Where did this new qualifying circumstance come from? Can justice be exacted both ways, or is Judge Mura placating his county's largest constituency?

Secondly, the idea that the constitutional right to free speech should be confined to course material is terrifying and outrageous. There is no such thing as an "innocent" college student; remember that college students are adults, and removing the right and requirement of open discourse (which can be unpleasant at times, especially for those who obsess over how they feel about what they believe) elementally contradicts the academic process, and robs every college student of the fundamental right to be challenged as an adult. When the right to speak freely is curtailed, either for controversial professors or anti-intellectual college-goers, a university becomes nothing more than a focus group.

Lastly, I find it disgusting that Judge Mura found that WWU acted illegally, yet found that their illegal closed hearing warranted no attention because of a lack of provisions for remedial actions against them. Where is the reason behind this decision? is it not the place of a judge to maintain the rule of law by meting out punishment to those who disobey? What is the point of a law that cannot be enforced?

Having taken classes from both Perry Mills and those seeking to remove him, I am glad that I opted to challenge myself with Mills' persistently demanding coursework, rather than slogging through overbearing, pointless sharing of feelings and ephemeral nonsense with a faculty and student body fixated on simply making themselves feel "good," rather than striving to grow intellectually. If there were any adherence to objectivity, both at the university and in the Whatcom County Superior Court, the value of Perry Mills as an educator would be self-evident, and I would be less ashamed of my alma mater, and the city I used to call home.

Rick Banuelos
Manhattan, Montana
WWU Class of 2000

A Rare Sighting Of The Redbreasted Grizzly, And A Few Grumblings Straight From The Maw Of The Beast Itself

A recently received letter and some photos from our Dear Professor...
(or: Live Feed Straight from the Well-Fed, Still Alive, Perry F. Mills)

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

(Pending spelling corrections and change of font)

News Update, New Year 2008!
(Material to be Typed in by a Non-Robot)

After four years of being savaged by sheep, the excised professor bakes zucchini loaf and brandishes a spatula!

Local judicial rulings indicated that the processes stifling this loudmouth were illegal, but it was O.K. with the good old boys downtown, so the egregious suspension was affirmed.

This will be glad news to the State Supreme Court, who will be reviewing this mess shortly. Since no one wants to hear the aggrieved tales from the victim, it's a bit of a guess what is being judged all round....

Perhaps moving the inquiry to a venue in which the evidence is heard by folks who aren't related to the participants will allow a little law and justice to creep in.

Stay tuned for more of the same....

PS: If you haven't already, please read the previous post and "sign the guestbook" or whatever you want to call it....

A request from your sponsor...

Folks. I'm about to upload some new stuff Perry sent me to share with you.

I ask one thing, however (it's all I've ever asked from you at this point, and likely it's all I ever will):

As I have no idea whether I'm maintaining this blog entirely in vain, and while a labour of love should command this worry into donning the cloak of irrelevance, I would still greatly appreciate some response from anyone actively reading this page that would suggest to me the pulse does not just beat within a vacuum. One word, even, or a series of inexplicably arranged punctuation marks denoting your displeasure at my amateurish shattering of our fourth wall. Or even--dare I ask it--a fully formed thought. Some sort of "Boo" from the dark vast to let me know I'm not staring into Nietzsche's void without ever realizing that the void's been staring right back at me the whole time.

Oh, and Capt. O'Neal, while your responses are always welcome, of course you know I'm not referring to you here. I already know your pulse beats strongly in our minor community...

Thanks very much. Up next: a few words from the Tenure Track of Purgatory....