Monday, February 11, 2008

Washington's Shame = New York's Pride

A smallish, non-fictional town in northern New York State names itself in honor of our stalwart, hearty, hard-hearted, hearth-warming scholar of the evermore, in an attempt to right a few wrongs and bring the ephemeral, but well-intentioned powers of geography to the surer side of goodness and light:

Coordinates of Perry Mills, New York, USA:
Longitude: 73° 30' 22" West
Latitude: 45° 0' 1" North
Perry Mills can be found 34 miles [54 km] to the south of Montréal (QC).

Yes, friends, supporters, and corporate sponsors: there is, indeed, a town in the state of New York known as Perry Mills. Don't believe me? Googlemap it! Try to book a Greyhound ticket from YOUR own unbelievable home station to this hotspot of intellectual curiosity and aesthetic confrontation!

Well, it's unfindable through Greyhound, this much is true, sadly, but--LO!--there has nary been a destination of note that HAS been easily accessed by said odiferous omnibus corp...

Check this chyme out before it passes through the pyloric valve of our plastic way of life:

From a sublisting of the subsection of Wikipedia's entry on the Champlain subregion of New York, sandwiched delicately between notations on Kings Bay Wildlife Management Area and Point a Fer:

Perry Mills -- A hamlet in the northwest part of the town on the Chazy River.

Looking for affordable accommodations to enhance your stay in Perry Mills, NY? Use the INTERNET!

For attractions, please contact the Champlain, NY, Chamber of Commerce and tell Gussie or Mindy-Vespa that you really are looking to find things to do in Perry Mills and that--NO--that wasn't a typo!

Still have no idea what to do in or about Perry Mills, NY? Then rejoice! This is the exact position our Professor, for whom this mythical but still very real town was named, finds himself every day of his frustrated existence as he faces a dwindling bevy of reasons to continue fighting. But oh--sooth!--isn't the FIGHT ITSELF worth the effort? Yes! If you're 12 and believe Iron Man will come to your tent and deliver a magic lantern that will cure your acne and allow locomotives to start by the snap of fingers! Fight! Fight! Fight!

"From across the land they send their teams of great renown,
But on the field of battle they are trampled into the ground,
Pull the Golden Bear,
From his mighty lair,
And we'll drag his carcass with us to the Northland."

So, speed on to Perry Mills and live a moment's weight of stultified usefulness. You're almost there! You have the map, you have the ennui, now all you need is the postcard to commemorate the trip! Just remember: wishing someone else was here doesn't mean "here" will get any better without them, or any worse with their absence! So bring a friend, make a friend, leave a friend, take a friend--but GO! GO and spit in the town well to say:

"I'm a Mills Man, I Sally Forth!"

In memorium: "February 11th, 2008" (another day of unlearning for the ghost-horde of students untaught by non-Professor Perry F. Mills--a drop in the bucket of hope-gapped-eternal...)


Jennifer said...

I took a class with Professor Mills at my first (and only) year at WWU. I found him to be refreshing and enjoyed his way of teaching. When I heard what had happened I was only told about the WWU's allegations, nothing about misappropriation of funds. I always disliked Professor Kuntz and found him to be extremely pompous and boring. I wish Professor Mills the best of luck! And maybe someday I'll be able to visit Perry Mills, NY!

KerryRose said...

Hi Perry,

I am getting married in June and would love it if you could make it. Please email me at I'd love to hear from you, and hope you're doing well.

Take care,

Kerry Rose Cowan